Self-Care
What Is Normal To The Spider Is Chaos To The Fly
The ways we learned to survive in the world of Domestic Violence and dysfunctional social structures mightn’t always prove to be the best methods for well-rounded survival efforts in the long run, or within the context of healthy or normal conditions or circumstances.
In the midst of all the confusion and unpredictability involved in these types of relationships, we can easily neglect to give ourselves the love, kindness and support we need to function in our best capacity.
As most victims of Social and Domestic Violence have been groomed with the volatility of putting everyone else’s feelings, wants and needs before our own, the normal functioning of meeting personal hygiene and appearance needs, ensuring structurally safe and well-kept living conditions, making efforts towards better health and fitness, and even the will to thrive in the world, are all adversely affected when engaged in unhealthy relationships. This is especially true when dealing with depression or other symptoms of mild to severe trauma.
Sheer Will
Living under the constant threat of violence can skew how we identify with and connect with our personal needs in so many ways, as the uncertainty it promotes can consume so much of our energy, that it can be a challenge to identify with the things that spark the habits within us necessary to promote our own self-care.
There is so much more to living than merely existing from day to day, and in finding both the strength and sheer will to reconnect with our innermost selves, we are better able to gage and employ those activities that bring us a sense of satisfaction and wellness.
Prescriptions Of Love
It can prove a difficult and arduous task to reclaim the positive self reflections and affirmative esteem necessary to meet our needs after leaving a volatile relationship. However, it is a very necessary aspect in our journey toward healing.
One of the best things we can do for ourselves, is to unlearn the unhealthy habits we might’ve developed from harmful circumstances and people. In doing so, we not only learn to develop new and improved ways of dealing with others and interacting with the world around us, but we also strengthen the culmination of how well we care for ourselves.
Here are a few sure ways to give yourself the love and care required to function at your very best.
Self –Care Activities Include:
Building Healthy “No Muscles”– There is so much undoing involved in the process of breaking free from abusive relationships. And while it can seem foreign at first, learning to say no to the things that don’t honor the very best of who we are, must be the primary tenets of our self-care habits. This is how we develop the healthy boundaries we need, to detect and address circumstances that are in violation of our boundaries.
In standing firm in our convictions when something is adverse to us, we protect and preserve our nature by engaging in healthy communication channels. The actions of others that violate our autonomy or boundaries, speak loudly in letting us know how they value us as individuals. We must listen and address anomalies as they happen. Building healthy “No Muscles” helps us do that.
The more we learn to say no, the stronger our “No Muscles” become. We must say no to the things that don’t honor us, no to the things that threaten the joy in our lives, and most of all, no with the conviction of holding onto our self-defining attributes, as this allows healthy conflict resolution to ensue.
Learning to say no is one of the healthiest and supportive self-care behaviors we can engage in after we’ve experienced or have left an abusive relationship.
Prioritizing Yourself– We cannot help or meet the needs of others if we have not first met our own needs. Prioritizing the things that ensure our own survival and well-being is a critical factor in self-care.
The practice of placing others needs and wants before our own can be one of the most destructive behaviors we can engage in, promoting depression, self-neglect and can likewise contribute to the cycle of harmful coping mechanisms in trying to deal with the weight of subjecting ourselves to the wants, demands and needs of others over our own.
When we nurture ourselves in ways that promote wholeness and wellness, we are also better apt to engage with others and share attributes of ourselves from a place of abundance, as opposed to a place of lack.
Ensuring our own safety, survival, and wellness in the world, should always be a priority, as it helps us to function at our best and serves to re-freshen, rejuvenate and recharge us when we might be feeling drained. Nothing works if we don’t, so we must make ourselves and our well-being the rule, not the exception.
Asking For Help When Necessary– Asking for help can be one of the most difficult things to do after leaving an abusive relationship, as building trust and having the confidence that others won’t betray or hurt us can be very challenging for survivors.
It is okay to get help when we need it, as most challenges we face have far better outcomes when we employ the dynamics of interdependence. In fact, recognizing where we may be struggling can be considered a radical act of self-care, as it gives us the chance to engage others and learn new methods of overcoming barriers as we seek the help and support necessary to meet our needs.
In developing the interdependence of healthy relationships, we can foster the community of people who will help us win in the world. Thing is, sometimes our loved ones don’t know how to support us, and if we don’t substantiate our needs, or tell them how to help us, it can become increasingly difficult to get our needs met.
Asking for help can look like seeking the support of colleagues or team mates when working on large projects, requesting time off when facing exhaustion on the job, or even asking a friend to help with childcare needs while enjoying a night out on the town to give ourselves some much needed me time.
Employing collective efforts can prove beneficial to us on so many levels on our journey towards healing. When we know that our social groups, or the world at large, is a safe place, and that its okay to ask for help when we need it, we are typically more inclined to do so. Likewise, once we’ve learned to gage unhealthy vs. healthy people and relationships, asking for help from those who will provide it without harming us becomes easier, as we are better able to employ the benefits of holistic, interdependent relationships, instead of trying to do everything on our own.
Self-Forgiveness– Learning to be kind to ourselves, when others haven’t been can be a challenge. In fact, a plentitude of people remain in unhealthy, abusive or otherwise volatile relationships because of the lowly feelings of shame and un-forgiveness involved in being entangled in violent relationships.
It is critical to understand that the abusive behaviors of others is never our fault, and that it is okay to learn new ways of living and interacting with others. This helps us break free from cycles of abuse.
Likewise, healing the shame within us that prevents us from developing healthy relationships, allows us to embrace our own altruistic nature, while also employing the prudence and care necessary to develop relationships that are good for us.
As we learn to forgive ourselves, we release the heaviness of negative projections, and are better apt towards inviting new experiences and people...healthy ones that can help us on our life path.
Spending Time Alone– Life can get noisy, as there are distractions all around us. And sometimes the best way to regroup or redirect our energy, so that we can better organize our efforts, is to find a quiet space to focus, and rejuvenate ourselves.
Spending time alone, helps us to reconnect, not only with our own inner voice, but likewise, can help us to re-strategize as we try to figure things out.
Being involved in unhealthy relationships can be very draining, especially if entangled within them over long periods of time. So taking the time we need to grieve and reflect on things, can bring us solace and a deeper sense of internal connection with our thoughts and feelings.
It takes great personal strength in seeking to walk away from and recover from harmful relationships. A strength that can be best found when we are alone, as the loudness of the world can drown out our own inner voice. Likewise, the best chance some of us have at recovery, is to find a quiet place and give ourselves the chance to heal our broken places. There is so much to be found in the stillness of alone time - and we find the answers to some of life’s toughest questions in the serenity of quiet spaces.
Artistic Activities– Self expression is one of the healthiest ways to overcome the depression caused by oppressive or abusive relationships. Engaging in artistic or expressive types of activities or hobbies, can prove very therapeutic for violence survivors. Painting, sewing, knitting or even gardening classes can help us on our journey towards healing.
It isn’t where we’ve been, but where were going that means the most. And just as we have the power to choose, in employing our inner artist, we develop insights towards the power of creative energy flows, revealing that we also have the power to paint the life that we want for ourselves.
Developing Healthy Lifestyle Habits– The quality of our lives aren’t only those factors of our socializations. A significant factor of self-care lies within our dietary consumption habits. Diet and exercise help us to function optimally, while also keeping us in the best of health.
When we are under the strain of unhealthy socializations, it is easy to neglect ourselves in more ways than one. Poor diet and unhealthy or sedentary lifestyle habits not only invite adverse health, but can also significantly contribute to the stress, anxiety, and depression we face when we aren’t providing ourselves with the fuel necessary to perform at our best levels.
Maintaining healthy lifestyle choices through diet and exercise are a large part of healthy living principles, as maintaining overall wellness and healthy self-care habits can help us to look and feel good about ourselves.
Journaling– It can be extremely difficult to see through the FOG of unhealthy relationships or even begin to digest the emotional, psychological, social and spiritual turmoil and devastation they cause. Journaling can be one of the most therapeutic ways to identify with and reflect on the dynamics of unhealthy relationship structures, so that we might be better able to impose the self-care actions necessary to reduce the likelihood of the vicious cycles of abuse in our future relationships.
Just as verbal ventilation is therapeutic and can help us to better organize our thoughts and feelings when involved in abusive relationships, when we journal our thoughts and feelings, we create a tangible facet of understanding in how we are faring, both emotionally and psycho-socially. Likewise, in validating our perspective of the viable accounts relating to the circumstances and experiences we might’ve faced while being entangled in unhealthy relationships, we inadvertently give ourselves permission to grieve and heal from the trauma we’ve faced from within our own frame of reference.
Journaling is also beneficial, in that it allows us to release the negativity of harmful circumstances intimately by writing down our thoughts and feelings as we try to make sense of our circumstances with the assured privacy necessary to discern how and with whom we want to share those fragile areas of ourselves.
As Within…So Without
Each of us has an internal guidance system that when nourished properly, can bring us the life fulfillment necessary to live as our best authentic selves, ultimately helping us to bring a sense of joy to our daily tasks.
Self-Care Is The Best Care
When we make a habit of practicing the tenets of protecting and improving our own psycho-social, physical and spiritual health, the rewards we receive from doing so, are unmatched.
It is especially critical that we learn to develop the habits of self-care, but particularly so for victims of violence, as the entanglements many survivors have faced, make it increasingly difficult to prioritize ourselves when we really need to.
Self-Care practices encompass the culmination of supplying ourselves with enough rest, engaging in healthy dietary and lifestyle habits, and most of all, surrounding ourselves with those who love and support us in ways that help us to function at our best.
The benefit to be found in healthy self-care practices shouldn’t be considered radical acts, but rather the normalcy involved in making sure that we are properly caring for ourselves. Likewise, it isn’t selfish to prioritize our wellbeing or our needs and wants. In fact it is very necessary to ensure our own wellness in the world. Then and only then are we better equipped to share our reserves outward to others.
In environs, such as those found in Domestic Violence relationships, that benefit from and even encourage tendencies towards self-neglect, self-doubt, and putting others needs and priorities before our own, one of the bravest things we can learn to do for ourselves on our healing journey is to “LEARN TO BE KIND TO OURSELVES”. As when we do so, our own self-care will always be the best care we can receive.