DOMESTIC VIOLENCE CYCLES
GOING IN CIRCLES
One of the primary reasons Domestic And Intimate Partner Violence is so difficult to eradicate is that most acts of violence waged against a victim by an abuser, happens in shifting cycles, that can prove extremely difficult to break away from.
Repeated acts of abuse often involve harmful or abusive behavior, followed by acts of reconciliation or apologetic gestures, followed by a meticulously rising tension phase to procure yet another act of violence within the relationship. This is known as a CYCLE OF VIOLENCE.
Likewise, whenever dangerous or otherwise aggressive behavior is waged against someone, followed by a superficial evocation of strong emotions and affectionate behavior, it can serve to form traumatic bonds within the relationship as the confusing mix of kindness and abuse disorient and weaken a victim’s resolve, as they try to adjust themselves to avoid the violence. Some even subconsciously seek out the crumbs of love and care they receive from the abuser…always just enough to keep them there, yet keep them starving.
These patterns can vary in length and severity, with threats and acts of violence usually increasing in the levels of harm it causes the victim, physically, cognitively, and socially, the longer they stay in the unhealthy relationship.
CYCLE OF VIOLENCE PHASES
TENSION BUILDING PHASE – During this phase, the abuser instigates the provocation of negativity, disdain, and stress within the relationship dynamic onto the victim, with the goal of enacting some sort of violence or other harmful behavior in the nearby future.
The tension building phase can look like an abuser adopting a hyper vigilant or critical attitude towards any and all interactions they might have with their target in the hopes of initiating a conflict. Likewise, the “how” is essentially less important than any other aspect of trying to validate their desire to build tension between them and their target to use as an excuse to enact some sort of punishment onto them.
They mightn’t all of a sudden like the clothes you’re wearing, or how you’ve applied your makeup on a particular day. Your methods of self-care or daily tasks might be a cause for concern. They may even contrive or project falsehoods onto you with the aim of causing a dispute.
Likewise, once the air of negativity, resentments, or animosity has been established within the union, the next phase of the cycle can commence.
ACTS OF VIOLENCE – This phase is where actual violence or harm towards the victim occurs. The abuser might push, shove, choke, snatch or throw things at the victim. They might hurl insults or engage in other acts of violence, such as intimidation, gaslighting, threats of harm and acts of sabotage in an effort to dominate and procure and maintain power and control over their target.
It is critical to note that violence waged against someone isn’t only physical. It can also be psychological, psycho-social, financial, and even spiritual. The main point is that these acts serve to harm the victim in some way through inducing unwanted or unwarranted stress, strain or harm.
Acts of violence against someone, or other types of negative reinforcements serve to establish an unequal balance of power within the relationship, where the abuser essentially tries to strip away the autonomy of their victim by repeated acts of cruelty and invalidation to diminish the affirmative self-perceptions and identities of their target.
Physical acts of Domestic Violence within relationships, usually start off subtly and gradually increase over time, with each violent act waged becoming both more frequent and severe, especially as the abuser becomes more comfortable within the relationship or believes there is less of a chance that there will be any retribution or redemption for their behavior. It may also increase if the victim tries to leave the relationship.
RECONCILLIATION PHASE – This is where things can get a little complicated, as confusion and cognitive dissonance regarding the reality of the harmful dynamics within the relationship become distorted. When the abuser’s abusive behavior is integrated with projections of remorse or guilt for their actions onto the victim, a sea of mixed emotions can contribute to the victim doubting the true nature of the relationship dynamic.
In dysfunctional or otherwise abusive relationships, it is important to note that any and all engagements between the victim and abuser is usually weaponized. So when abusers display strong emotions of repentance, shame or guilt for their actions, it is usually an act of theatrics and manipulation. Most times, they are more concerned with their own ego’s or the threat of losing their narcissistic supply than they are in the wellbeing of their victims or the harm they cause them.
False reconciliation can look like intense make-up sex, expensive gifts or other trinkets of charm to lore and confine the emotional energy of the victim with strong and superficial trauma bonds. When things are good, they’re good, and when things are bad, devastation ensues. It is this mix of emotional conflict that contributes to perceptual distortions. Fact is, most perpetrators of Domestic Violence are very vampiric in nature, so in essence, they absorb and reflect the energy, talents and idiosyncrasies of their targets in ways that unevenly consume and exploit them, while on the surface, appearing to genuinely care for them, in their own dysfunctional capacity. Thing is, they usually don’t. And acts of reconciliation are really their weapons of choice in their plight to procure and maintain the supply from their victims.
BREAKING CYCLES
Most instances of Domestic Violence are neither isolated nor are they lone or single incidents. Fact is, the trend in DV relationships, for both predators and victims is usually cyclic and obtrusive in nature. Like a moth to a flame, most of the relationships an abuser engages in will typically involve the communion with people who share altruistic attributes or who are readily forgiving or tolerant of naughty, or otherwise disrespectful, toxic or abusive behavioral traits.
Likewise, most victims of violence, will continually seek out volatile relationships that affirm their subconscious feelings of inadequacy, or the negative self- perceptions they hold of themselves, that may be hidden deep beneath façades of well-dressed self-loathing. And relationship after relationship will model this pattern of behavior, until they are able to successfully heal those broken places within themselves that allow dysfunctional relationships to continue.
Domestic Violence and cycles of abuse are also prominent in families who have pathologies of hurting, using or abusing one another in the interest of either personal gain, or as unhealthy adaptions of what it means to love and care for one another.
Likewise, Intergenerational Cycles Of Violence skew the perceptions of what it means to engage in healthy or otherwise affirmative relationships where all involved are getting their needs met within the relationship. This contributes to both familial degradation, and dysfunctional socialization traits and attributes. For we learn not from what we are told, but from what we live.
Violence in our relationships can effect both the survivor and predator in ways unfathomed. And while in infancy, we may not have neither the tools nor the contextual understanding to subvert violence in our relationships, as adults, we each of us have the power to choose the intimate relationships we engage in. This is true of both our circle of friends and family as well.
Likewise, it becomes the invocation of this attribute of our personal power that allows us to break both the chains and cycles of unhealthy and otherwise dysfunctional relationships, so we can fill the vestiges of our social circle with people who love and support us, and who truly mean us well.