HIDDEN ABUSES
ABUSES THAT FLY UNDER THE RADAR
While blatant acts of violence that can be readily and easily detected, so that we may process and respond to red flag behaviors as we observe them, the lesser-known, yet equally detrimental form of hidden abuses, perpetrated by the clandestine and crafty, skilled and clever, vigilantes of violence, can cause a slew of turmoil and pain in the wake of devastation many survivors face, as their lives are shattered in the most insidious and covert ways.
Hidden abuses and violence that fly well below societies defining dysfunctionality attributional radar, often cause irreparable harm, as its nature is usually cloaked in seemingly harmless attire.
THE PRIMARY TYPES OF HIDDEN VIOLENCE ARE
Subliminal Suggestions
While sound and verbal communication has always prevailed as the primary method of communicating amongst the mainstream society, secretive, clandestine, or otherwise subliminal messages, especially those with harmful undertones can prove just as harmful as the deep wounds of physical or verbal violence, especially if such a communication is followed up with an enforcement behavior of harm.
Example
Eric is dating Pat, and has been for quite a while.
Pat is up for promotion at work and tells Eric this could be the big break she's been waiting for, and it looks like all her hard work is finally going to pay off.
Eric tells Pat that he's happy for her and that he can't wait for her to realize her career goals - except he always looks somber when she gushes over the doors to be opened for her especially since she and Eric have been struggling and she's had to rely on his financial bearing within the relationship more so than she would've liked to, often putting her in financial strain whenever she wants to utilize "shared" resources to do things that she likes to do.
Over the next few weeks Eric is becoming more and more despondent with Pat, suggesting that he loves spending time with her and hardly sees her anymore.
He suggests things will only get worse when she is imbued more responsibility on her job.
He now continually also amends the new aphorism to his vocabulary of words, namely, "do you have time for that", as he smirks as if he's joking, while offering to do outlandish things with her, knowing that she has work obligations and has to decline his offerings.
Although in economic dearth, at least on her own, as Eric's reigns have pulled even tighter, she now considers his concerns and is torn between the promotion and her relationship.
And while they are in a financial bind, as she has to rely on his source of income for them to make ends meet within the relationship, she turns down the promotion, effectively binding her within the codependence of Eric and his future motives for her within the relationship.
GASLIGHTING
When a predator tries to undermine the perceptions and perceptual reality of a target of abuse for nefarious purposes, gaslighting is being employed to do so.
Example
Our famed Pat is up for promotion and Eric, in snake-ish undertones, tells her that he has the inside scoop on what's really going on.
He tells her that he's certain that the new position up for Pat's grab is a fluke.
He tells her that they're trying to get rid of her position as a whole, and that he's certain that if she takes the new position, it won't last.
Feeling betrayed, Pat's work performance starts to decline, as she feels like what's the use in trying, when they're only trying to sever her from the job anyway.
I mean Eric has been dating her for quite some time now, and she has come to trust his judgment over her own.
Further still, what reason does he have to lie.
As a result of her poor work performance, Pat doesn't get the promotion and loses her current position also, with Eric's "prediction" becoming a frightening foregone conclusion.
UNDERHANDED SABOTAGE
Underhanded or stealthy sabotage, that goes undetected, at least initially, can prove one of the most destructive types of abuses.
Example
In using our two "lovebirds" Eric and Pat, Pat is up for promotion and Eric exclaims he's thrilled, except over the past couple weeks Pat has been having a problem accessing her work files on her and Eric's shared machine and to make matters worse, has faced a few circumstances where she couldn't find her keys and further has been having car trouble, causing work tardiness and inefficient shows of work performance.
Not only does Pat lose the promotion she's worked so hard for, but she is terminated resulting from inconsistencies in both her punctuality and work production.
Unbeknownst to Pat, Eric has been clandestinely sabotaging Pat the whole time, to push her into both dollar dearth and ultimately codependence onto Eric, so he can enact the next phase of his abuse campaign.
TRIANGULATION
Triangulation is indirect communication, using a "third" or even "fourth" party to cause dissimulation through communicative channels that serves harmful toward a target of hidden abuse.
Example
Eric is dating Pat and they both work at company ABC.
Pat is up for promotion and Eric tells Earl, a mutual friend and colleague of theirs who's also vying for the same position as Pat, that while he loves her very much, he isn't so sure she's the best fit for the position, as she's been late a few times and he's also noticed her struggling both at the office and at home to complete workloads.
Earl, along with Eric agree to "save Pat" the grief that sure to come from the new position.
They make a clandestine pack to undermine Pat, "to save her" from the embarrassment, and begin effectively sabotaging Pat both at work, and Eric at home, resulting in Pat not only losing her her bid at the promotion she's worked so hard for, but effectively getting her fired in the process, with Earl receiving the promotion that was Pat's to be had.
Feeling ashamed by what he and Earl had done to Pat, they again make a pact to never speak of the atrocity they've caused her.
DARVO
Darvo stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.
Whenever a predator has caused unfathomable harm to a victim, DARVO is used in their aim to escape the consequences of the harmful action.
Example
Sometime after her termination from ABC, Pat speaks to another of her and Eric's co-workers and discovers to her surprise that both work positions are still available, and Pat's old position has just recently been filled, indicating that there was never any plan to downsize either Pat's position or that she was ever in jeopardy of losing her standing with the ABC company to begin with.
In an aire of confusion, Pat has now discovered that Eric's "prediction" was a sham.
Pat confronts Eric, who tells her that he was only trying to help her.
He tells her that he loves her and that if she wanted to keep her job, she shouldn't have slacked off, and in fact should have perhaps worked even harder to win out the competition.
Pat feels hurt, but reconciles with Eric as she believes he does have a point, and that he loves her despite his obvious aim in her sabotage.
UNVEILING
These examples amongst others, where underhanded and otherwise stealthy or clandestine actions are used to undermine someone or to cause them harm, post significant risks as they aren't as easily detectable as blatant or otherwise pervasive verbal, physiological or recognizable financial or spiritual abuses present themselves.
It is our hope that these examples have attuned our survivor community to know, understand, and differentiate between the primary types of hidden abuses that all too frequently fly below society's radar.
- OasisAgainstViolence